This is …. Life

I’ll get right to the point, yesterday I crashed my car… other than my front bumper who rolled down the intersection everyone else involved was okay. Which is just about the greatest outcome of a bad situation. Funny thing is that the car is a lease and I was supposed to give it back this weekend. 

…. Life is just a big ol’ comedian.

This whole week I had planned to write about life and its uncertainty because I had been feeling very insecure as to where am I going and if there really is a moment when you feel like “dam, I made it.”  I guess I planned to write about it so much the universe just decided “hey! I’ll give you something to write about! And bam I crash. 

Get ready for a ride cause it’s going to get realllll deep…

It is so easy to compare your situation to others because everyone shares their life on social media, whether it be true or false. There are moments where I feel really secure about my journey and like I have it all together but then I’ll get on Instagram and see the people I graduated with buying their first home, getting married, having their second child and I start to panic and think:

What the fuck have I done?

What do I have to show for myself, in the event that I see these people and they actually remember me I’m not sure I would be able to match their level of… success?  I don’t have a house nor am I married, and I can’t even begin to express how I am not, in ANY way, ready for kids. I realize also that success may mean different things to different people, some people may measure it by how big their families are while other how great their career is going. I guess, for me, I measure it in the experiences I’ve had in life such as traveling and getting to know other places. Being in different environments is really what fuels me. I can tell you the only time I feel truly happy is on a plane (and I hate flying). But that is not the definition of many of my peers and more specifically not the one for my parents, whom are the greatest people in the world and have only wanted me to succeed but I’m not quite sure they feel like I have. And I’ll be honest with you guys I don’t feel like I have either, I still feel lost. The more I compare where I am in life to the definition of success other have, the less successful I feel. 

I told ya’ll it was about to get deep. 

Life? Right, what a good time. There’s this moment before something “bad” happens where life is just normal you feel like nothing could go wrong, I mean why would it? And then the second after you feel vulnerable and insanely human and all you want to know is why? Why did this happen? What is the purpose? What am I supposed to learn from this? Am I supposed to learn something? or was this just a random event and I was chosen. 

I truly do believe that everything happens for a reason and it might take a while to realize what that reason is. When I am feeling all the anxiety of “where is my life going” I listen to this song called ‘This’ by Darius Rucker and it makes me feel like things really do have a purpose. All the experiences we have had have shaped us into the human we are today. Regret is something I try not to focus on because once something is done there’s no way to go back in time. But I do wonder how my life might be different if I had made different choices, would it have been better? Worse? Would the people I consider to be imperative in my life still be a part of my life? I remember my parents telling me to take advantage of all the opportunities you have when you’re young because things only get harder when you’re older and like most people I would just roll my eyes and thought I have soooo muchhh time. I can tell you this much, I don’t feel like I have that much time any more. It’s only when I hear about how some of these extremely great entrepreneurs becoming rich around my age that I feel like I’ve still got some more years in me. 

I know I’ve gone back and forth a lot, but I guess, that’s life huh? Self-doubt is probably the greatest force stopping us from being successful and it happens to everyone, at least I like to think so. It’s easier to understand your process when you realize other feel the same way you do, you are not alone, none of us are. Everyone goes through shitty situations and I really hope it brings a little joy to your hearts to know, I completely understand, I am there with you and idk when or how, but we will be okay. 

There are many things to be proud of and they don’t have to be big life changing decisions, it could be something as simple as ‘went on a yacht’ (which is actually one of my best friend’s accomplishments this year).  Be happy about all the little things you have done that have made you truly happy. My best friend and I decided to keep little mason jars and write down on a small post-it everything we feel accomplished about and at the end of the year we’ll read them aloud. There are so many great things we do that we overlook, and we shouldn’t. Although I haven’t sat down and written many post-it because I’ve been a little down on myself I did write one: I started this blog and that is a small accomplishment yet one that brings me the most happiness. 

Now go out there and enjoy shitty day. Make it the best shitty day you’ve ever had. 

Claudia